It is what it is.
No denying that now, after so many tries at not looking, not seeing the obvious. I say it doesnt hurt as bad, I claim its alright, I assure its not affecting me, that I dont care. I was deceiving myself. Yes, I dont care as much now, but it still creates this empty space called disappointment. Hell, I should have known. I couldnt possibly hold a candle to her could I? I mean, we're not even on the same starting line to begin with. And chasing after what was so clearly out of reach had a price of its own to pay for. And that price tag came with heartbreak. Carelessly, I over looked that fact. Honestly, I didnt care back then. Now, I do. I wasted time on you. I regretted it. I hate every moment just even spent thinking of you, when I knew you didnt even bother. I was so naiive, so stupid enough that with time, you'd see. But no, you didnt, you couldnt forget.
And no I dont blame you for that. I blame you for the mixed messages you sent. I blame you for the false security you gave. I blame you for not clarifying. I blame you for being indecisive. I blame you for toying with me. I blame you for leaving like nothing's happen.
And I blame myself. I blame myself for letting myself trust everything you said. I blame myself for thinking that you actually cared, even for a moment. I blame myself for not keeping a reign over my heartstrings.
But I blame you more.
Selfish as this might sound, I really do.
How could you? When any ordinary person would know this means so much more. When a blind person could see that this isnt what you said it was. How could you? I wouldnt, not in a million years, to trust you ever again. To trust what your body language might be telling me. Its just another lie aint it.
Back then, I'd say I wouldnt change anything if I could go back in time. Now, I'll do anything not to ever meet you in this life, nor in the next. I'll do anything to save myself from this shit I've landed myself in. I used to place you before me. Well fuck that. I hate you for not even sparing a thought for me. Not even a tiny fraction. So to hell with thoughts of you now. To hell with this disaster. You can keep you and whatever you think is best for you. I can keep my sanity and go back to what I was two years back from now.
I'll leave this behind now.
Because the wise leave when they see the thing they're waiting for wont come.
I leave not because I'm wise or anything like that. I leave because you're not worth it anymore. I leave because I love myself, this time more than you.
Mean as this might sound, may karma hit you right smack in the face.
As much love there is, there is as much hate.
Cant agree more.