MYE's over but why dont I feel the elateness?

Moody days are creeping back damn. its like I want freedom but I want a rein around me at the same time. Do you understand? But I dont want you to strangle me. Its like I feel so gulity after this and I feel that I dont deserve any bit of this and I doing this is just too much and some voice inside keeps telling me to be strong and dont cry, dont bleed. But I cant. its like the cooped up emotions never seemed to go away and it looks like it'll be etched deep there.

I dont know what's wrong with me seriously. Like I seriously need to talk but I dont want to open my mouth; as if every bit of energy's been drain away by something inside. I dont know. I dont want to admit this But I'm vulnerable. Damn. To think I was strong all this while when I was bleeding inside. Its like I need you but I want you to get lost.

I guess I need more self control/discipline? Is that what I need? I dont know I dont know I dont know. Suddenly everything's so small and suffocating me to death. There's something lacking, I just know it but I cant place it in words.

I need to talk to my lesbians): Karen!! Hazel!! &I need Jasmine Ong): I need you pple's so undying advice): Its like I'm a walking dead robot. I do things because I wanna and I feel its important, not because you tell me so.

Somebody bring me to somewhere near the beach where I'll scream out all my unhappiness and wash my face with those tears. Buy me a cup of coffee so that I can feel the warmth flowing into my hands, my long sleeve woollen shirt. Tie my hair nicely so that I can take it all apart.

Most importantly, tell me that I'm going to get through this, and I'll be fine at the end of the day.

URGHH MOODY D: